Case study: Sue’s Story – Spiritual Transformation

[ The case studies are not here to illustrate soul connections but to demonstrate the power of personal healing and transformation using Ptsen Nuh metaphysical techniques.

In some cases, but not all, the persons need for healing was triggered by a soul connection however in these articles case studies we do not look at the relationship aspects or if they got back together – we focus on the individuals’ healing and transformation.

If you want to know about a soul connection you will not find out about it from anyone else’s story even if they seem similar because every situation so unique thats why we don’t feature the stories .. Soul connection articles on the general issues and principles can be found here but to find about about your own unique situation it needs to looked at individually which can only come from an individual consultation.]

Sue’s Story in her own words…

Soul Connection

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing or rightdoing is a field.
I will meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other”
doesn’t make any sense.

Most of us have, from time to time, played with or even done experiments with magnets. If you lay several of them on the table, they will lie still as the inanimate objects that they are, but sometimes there will be two (perhaps more) that will without human intervention gravitate towards one another until they snap together. If you play with them and reverse their polarity, separating them, they will flail about in a graceless dance. They, like an overturned bug, will struggle until they are righted and can reconnect or are moved so far apart that they seem to rest. This is how I would describe a soul connection.

As an artist I have always been aware of the visual repetitions of nature and because of this see how we, humans, are another demonstration of the laws of creation. In other words, we, too, are held to and subject to the laws of energy and magnetism. I have had tribulations, intense, intense times in my life but nothing prepared me for the journey and experience of making a soul connection. I didn’t chose this path but I do celebrate who I became as a result of this journey.

The man, with whom I shared this connection, and I became friends under unusual circumstances and in a situation where we saw each other unavoidably and regularly. Looking back, I can now see that there was an powerful connection and recognition all along. From the very first time we met and began to talk, it was as if no one else was there. That connection seem to drown out everyone else’s presence including my husband’s. It was probably four years before we candidly acknowledged this affinity but we were clueless about what was happening or the power of it.

We had both been married for 20 or so years and while his marriage had been very tumultuous, my marriage wasn’t. It wasn’t filled with drama and anger, it was just not right. I didn’t know, until being with this man just how unhappy I had been or how lost I had really become. Despite all of that, I never intended to step outside of my marriage, be connected to another man or love someone else. I held a great deal of ego pride around doing the right thing and being very committed to being committed. Because neither of us understood what was happening and the connection was so compelling we did have a brief physical affair. We painfully ended this pretty quickly but we were not so adroit in being able to separate emotionally.

I am not sure that I will ever be able to command accurately enough words to explain the wonderful depth of connection, the overwhelming fear, and the devastation that seemed all rolled together. I was breaking my own laws, I was in love with a man that I wasn’t supposed to love, and I knew, on a very deep level my life would never again be the same.
The first time I stood in front of him and kissed him there was an electrical surge between us, energy bouncing back and forth. This surge was so profound that I gasped and asked him if he felt that? It took my breath away. I remember saying to him, “I don’t know why I am here, what I am doing here but it feels as though every door has closed and this is the only place that holds any truth or answers for me.” It was completely undeniable. It wasn’t raging hormones or an out of control sex drive. It was not what I would have imagined a sexual liaison to be. The physicality of the attraction was very real but most significantly it was as if I was coming home.

That kind of mutual recognition is an awesome thing and carries such a level of intensity to it that becoming overwhelmed was easy. I was scared, but I was awake and alive and although this was mutual, he became terrified. I can’t explain what it was like to find this person, to feel like I had come home, to see all of this mirrored in him and yet also watch him start falling apart out of fear. He told me later that he felt that if he let go he would be falling off of a cliff and he would never get back. He was right. He just wasn’t quite able to understand that he had already fallen and most importantly what had fallen away from wasn’t something we would want back. He desperately needed and still needs to hold the illusion of having control over himself, of what happened and what will happen. After spending such a brief period of time in this homecoming, this happiest of places, it rapidly begin to erode. Like watching a sand castle on the beach I could do nothing as I watched the tide come in and it washed away.

We spent the last two years in the separating and flailing phase of this soul connection phenomena. Because of our life circumstances we have always been in a position of seeing each other regularly and it became torturous. We have struggled mightily to figure out what to do. If it had been up to me I would have run full speed towards him and into a relationship but fear, mostly his fear, held a stronger grip on him than anything else. I was heartbroken because by all outward appearances, it had meant the world to me and it, for a long time, seemed so insignificant to him. I was awash in feelings that I could not understand. Some of these, I later I realized, were not even my own feelings but his. Because of this powerful connection, we became more empathic to the other’s feelings. Through learning the difference, I’ve also learned how much he too was struggling. While I had no wish for him to struggle, the idea that I wasn’t alone in all of this and that I could trust what I was experiencing was of some comfort.

I have grown and I have changed and seen so many ways in which I was so outside of my purpose.
I have learned so very much about myself. This connection was the catalyst for that but until I went through the Ptsen-Nuh energy work, I was so devastated that I was simply suicidal. I went to therapists, and psychics, and church and ashrams. I cried more in those two years than I knew anyone could cry. I was shocked by the unceasing quality of it. Every time I thought I was doing better I would wake up the next day curled into a heap, like a catatonic tarbaby. The feelings, the connection, would just not go away and I felt so powerless. I had bizarre experiences with other people talking to me about him, animals visiting me that I knew he had a special affinity for, I had never met anyone with his name and then suddenly everyone had his name, every book I read the male counterpart had the same name and I was haunted in my dreams. Early in the “coming together” phase of the connection we laughed about the fact that we would wake at the same time every morning, I still did this and I knew the difference. I could feel him. I slept little and my overall existence was akin to that of a dishrag. It took everything I had to hold up my basic responsibilities. I was a human zombie.

Despite the fact that he was usually the one to claim his need to break it off, he was incapable of letting go and truthfully I didn’t want him to. The problem was that his way of holding on involved selfish and unkind games that I played so that I could hold the illusion of him still being in my life. If we couldn’t show one another that we cared by loving each other we showed it in a series of painful passive-aggressive and codependent dramas that only eroded our sense of respect for ourselves and each other.

When I wasn’t crying, all I did was write and search and search and search, there had to be an answer. Everywhere I went only left me feeling horrible and feeling as though I was operating out of some emotional deficiency. While it is true my childhood was hard and intense, I just couldn’t completely buy into this being about what a dysfunctional loser I was. The fact that we were both approaching our mid-forties and we had both been married 20 years had us perfectly suited for a mid-life crisis diagnosis. But I read about this and I had read about affairs, I read any thing and everything I could get a hold of. Nothing fit, it just didn’t jive and was incomplete. This is not to say that I didn’t glean some insight from this feedback but I could find absolutely no peace.

Our myths, our societal frame of reference doesn’t offer much more than the judgment of crossing the proverbial Rubicon and every reference that I had for what happened made it so easy to judge myself and very harshly at that. I just felt worse and worse. I told myself to get a grip, get over it, as my father used to always say, “water off a duck’s back.” I couldn’t even shame myself out of it.

Finally my searching paid off and I found a process called Ptsen-Nuh developed by Steve Gunn. This is an intense process of self (true self) awareness and how our energy and societal programming affects our bodies and minds. What allowed the initial breakthrough was recognizing how my subjective ego had held me hostage. All the lies and stories that I held onto to define me were actually poison. I also came, through this work to recognize, what had happened and that it was real, not a mental frailty. It was hard work, shedding all of those layers, meeting myself anew as well as the people in my life and the world . Although it was hard, it is the singularly most liberating experience of my life. I also attribute this work with giving me the fortitude to be able to make my way through what would come next.

Just as I was really starting to integrate my work with Steve, my husband confronted me. It hadn’t been so very long before that I had not known what had happened, how to explain it, how to move past the societal rules, how to not fall into heaps of guilt. I had never meant to hurt him or break the “rules”. If it had not been for the energy work I was doing, I would have fallen prostrate into shame and guilt. Instead I was able to hold onto my own experience. I knew that if I had been willing to play the role of the “betrayer”, he would have happily accepted the role of “victim” but because I wouldn’t he had to look deeper. I was willing to walk away from my marriage rather than play out that drama. This in turn provided a real wake up call for him. It has shifted his own way of viewing his life and the world.

My experience wasn’t changing only me, it was domino effect. Whatever happens between us we were seeing the world so very differently. It was an amazing thing to observe.
I thought that when I got to this point the connection itself would severe it hasn’t; I know now that it never will. But I know that the man I journeyed with is on his own, he has to go this alone, just as we all do. I never wanted that for him but his correction is still incomplete. I often still wake up and know that he has just woken, or I feel his despair. However, I no longer hold any belief that there is anything I am responsible for to make it different for him. I am, with daily discipline, no longer trying to dance a dance whose steps I don’t know.

I am aware that for so long I found myself looking at people, looking for this man, this soul mate, somehow thinking I would see him, the man I knew, not the man who was pushing me away. I looked at doors as if he would walk through them at any minute. I felt, and sometimes still do, that he would just show up and tell me that the trial was past and that I could come home again. I felt about this the way one feels when someone says there will be sunrise at the beginning of everyday. Being separated from him physically has never, and still doesn’t feel right, despite knowing that to be with him, how he is now, would be painful at best.

The peace that I have found about this, through my work, is that I now know that I am at home; home is wherever I go.

If someone had said that to me two years ago when I felt so very hollow, I would have collapsed into tears of despair. But through discipline it shifts and upon claiming my own happiness, my own connection to myself and my own power I don’t feel hollow anymore.

I learned the difference between loving someone’s soul, seeing their soul, and the need to walk away from painful behavior.

The more clear I became, the more I could claim my own power, freely say that I loved him no matter what and that I wanted him to have to the life he wanted, with whomever he wanted, the more distant and rejecting he became.

I know he feels like I left him behind. On the other hand, I know that he needs someone to blame, something to push against as he struggles to hold onto the illusions he has created and I don’t want to be that person.

I have read, and I don’t know the merit of it, that it is not death that a soul finds painful but a birth. I can say that it was a birth, a birth to an awakened me. As painful as it was, I am grateful to have made it through this and hope that he will some day make his way.

Whether we will ever be reunited, reconnect, whether there is relationship to be had is anyone’s guess. For now I choose enjoy each day, my existence and the company of those I chose to share that with. I understand how rare a connection like that is and even though there wasn’t some romance novel ending, I actually now count that experience as a great blessing and feel fortunate.

I am convinced that there will be, for everyone, a call to awaken to our own life, our own power and purpose. I can look back and see how Lady Destiny, karma, had called before, sweetly knocking on the door that I didn’t answer until finally she broke the door down. I believe that our ability and willingness to answer this call is in direct proportion to the pain, the required energy, that it takes for us to change our course. Soul connections are at the very least a course correction, a demand to correct our trajectory and I am grateful.

If this is resonant to your experience too, please take heart, have compassion for yourself. You aren’t making it up, you aren’t alone, you are going to be ok. Better than that you will find, in yourself, a deeper more abiding faith and love than you have ever known. Peace be with you.

Sue – August 2009

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  1. True words Sue….there surely comes a call for everyone to wake up…Soul connections really are the course correctors…Its the soul connection that taught me the difference between loving someone’s soul and walking away from painful behavior.

  2. Dearest Sue, Could this be more aptly written or beautifully said? I think not. Thank you for this wonderful article and for letting me I am not alone. Best, Lynne

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